Dreaming…why stop?
I heard an interesting sermon a couple weeks back. It was about dreaming and growing. This has been something that i have been meditating about for a few weeks now with the assistance of Erwin McManus’ sermons.
Why is it that as we grow up we stop dreaming, we stop wanting to discover and essentially, we stop growing. The very thing that God wants us to continue doing is the one thing we stop. Oddly enough as i watch movies with my daughter, I have noticed a major theme in all these cartoons, so simple, yet so relevant. The core message of them all is “Never stop dreaming and believing”. As kids, we believe that we can do anything, that we can be anything and that NOTHING can stop us or hold us back from achieving our dreams. As we grow up, our parents and teachers and other adults tell us to stop believing, to be more realistic. Why do we simply sit down and accept this as the norm, as the “way it is”. God created us to believe and to dream. As of recent, i have been trying to figure out how to get myself back to the core of things. I have to be careful to NOT lose my creativity.
This has been my focus as of recent. I have been trying to figure out how to get back to my creative core. See, i have always been good at the process. My old boss said that he could give me a project and a final vision and i could figure out the process of how to get there with little to no direction. I can get a project and see its process in my head before i even begin filming it. While i am filming i can see the editing timeline in my head before i even start. The place I lack the most in is the initial idea, the initial creativity. so, how can i get to that point? That is the question. More to come as things develop.
laziness
man oh man, i love how we say we want to do something, then as time progresses, we forget what we wanted to do and never do it. it can be because of lack of motivation or life just getting to darn messy. For me, its a combination of the two. I have come to the conclusion in the recent weeks that I have become a very lazy person, why i have become this way, i am not sure. I believe a large part of it is to the trials i have been facing and the depression that i constantly struggle with. Fortunately for me, i have been winning those battles. (take that stupid negative thoughts and feelings)
so, all that being said, it brings me back to my wordpress page, my blog. ( i still hate that word -.-) I have found that writing lately has been an amazing remedy for me, something that i have lacked for so long now, so its time to get back to my core. This is not just limited to writing, it also includes my physical and emotional states…yeah that sounds right. I have come to the conclusion that i need to start working out again, i am going to start with just running and sit-ups, then i will find a gym and get back into shape. It really is true, for some reason when you get married, you put on weight, why is that?! well, for one, its because i am lazy, i lack the motivation to go to the gym daily and run daily. BUT NO LONGER! I have already begun to change my diet, little to no fast food, if i do, its something like Chick-Fil-A or a salad from McDonald’s. This, the exercising, will help with my depression, it is a way for me to let out my agressions and frustrations. A healthy way, its also a time for me to spend alone with God, meditating on his word, listening to sermons on my iPod or praise and worship.
The next hurdle i have to tackle after my weight, is my staying up late. Hello, my name is Taurin…and i am an insomniac. (N. someone who can not sleep) Yeah, i have been struggling with this one for a while. When i was in college…all my life i have been a night owl, i am just not one of those “morning persons” as much as i love to see sunrises and the cool breeze and crispness of the morning air, I just cant get myself to go to bed early. The strange thing, is its not because of distractions, sure, sometimes i stay up late to play a video game or watch a movie, but there are nights i stay up just because. No rhyme or reason to it, i just stay up. I have found that if i am in bed by 12, I am golden the next morning. This is a wonderful thing because my three year old feels it necessary to wake us up in the middle of the night and then proceeds to kick me in the ribs in her sleep. so the earlier i go to bed, the better chances of me getting a good nights sleep. Now, my beautiful wonderful wife, is a morning person. She loves going to bed at ten or eleven o’clock and getting up at seven or eight AM with my daughter and then out the door for work by 8:30. We don’t get along well in the mornings, usually involves me staying up until about 2am, for no good reason and then her pulling the covers off of me or the unnecessarily large german shepherd of ours, jumping or licking me in the face. needless to say, i am not the most pleasant person in the mornings. So, the point of this is that i need to FORCE myself to go to bed early, for the sake of my health and my marriage (lol) but seriously, it will be a lot better over all, i will feel better, my wife loves falling asleep with me ( I wont lie, i love falling asleep with her also) and then we can both get to work earlier in the day. This is also laziness.
The next thing i need to improve is my laziness around the house. Sure, i clean and do the dishes, sweep and mop the kitchen, and vacuum the living room. But i need to take more initiative to help her with dinner and general maintenance. Now, she will admit, she is not a clean person, as in she is not as OCD as i am. I think another thing that causes my depression is things not being clean and organized. I used to be very organized and clean at my house. clothes hung up or folded and put away. Now, its an adventure to find my socks or even to distinguish what is clean and unclean. This is something i can help with, i can take the initiative and do laundry more, when it is finished, i can take it fold it, put it away, and clean up the bedroom. If anyone of you are OCD also, you know how i feel about this. But, lets admit, its kinda hard to keep things clean with a three year old, seven month puppy, and my wife’s brother and a friend of ours who lives with us who is not very clean in her nature either. well, i am the only one who is come to think of it. hmm…what did i get myself into!
Another thing i can do is not be so lazy with my family. as a result of staying up late i am tired during the days and on my days off, all i want to do is sleep. My family is amazingly important to me. I have has so much fun playing with my daughter and spending time with my wife in the past few weeks. sure my wife and i still argue, a lot, but you know what its because we are two completely different people. No matte HOW much we have in common, we are still not the same person. There will be arguing, but at the end of the day, we love each other. I can genuinely look at her and say, “i love you more today than i did yesterday”. My relationship with my daughter has also grown. It’s not easy coming into a relationship with someone who already has a child, I have had to work my way into her heart and her mother’s heart. But, it is amazing when she asks my wife if daddy is going to stay home with her today, because she “likes spending time with daddy”. It melts my heart to know that she WANTS to spend time with me and that she loves having me around.
The next area, which is one of the most important to me is my studies. Sure i still read and study and pray, but not nearly as much as i would like to. At my new job we have an amazing scholar. He is the type of person whom i can ask one question to and it will snowball into a two or more hour conversation. This happened yesterday. I went into his office, asking him about the fall of man, because as of recent, it has been a big discussion with myself and a few people. The core question, if man was not supposed to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, how did he make a conscious decision to choose between good and evil and eat the fruit with no knowledge of good or evil. (I will actually be posting a new blog about this after i finish this one.) Now, we talked and I had walked out of his office feeling more refreshed than i have in a long time. I LOVE learning and i had missed it so much. I didn’t walk out with my brain hurting, but i walked out wanting to talk more! I could have sat there for hours more. i mean, the discussion went into the infiniteness of God, metaphysics and logically explaining God’s existence through science and space and time. (more on that later also) I was challenged and i am hungry for more! Now, i was 2 hours late for picking up my wife for lunch, so, that wasn’t good, but she understood. This is such an area that is so easy to get lazy in but its so important for all of us. I truly believe that when we stop learning we stop living. So this is something i want to get disciplined in. I have found that writing and learning helps relieve my problems, it makes me happy. This is something i NEED to do, exercise for my brain.
SO, i will keep this place updates as i progress. If i stop writing its probably because I am depressed again, if that is the case, please check on me! I love writing, it comes so naturally to me, its therapeutic. so, i will do more of it, i don’t know if anyone even reads these things, but if they do, i hope they can take something for their own life away from it. If you ever need to or want to talk, feel free to contact me. I love talking to people. So, stay tuned, there is much more on the way. I appreciate all your prayers and the opportunity i have to write.
Until next time… Keep learning 
