Insights into a soul

So, i just felt like sharing this today.

I sit at church and i produce the service, it is still kind of funny to me because i have been doing the “floor director” position for about six weeks now and people are still like, “we don’t really know what Taurin does” interesting, BUT that is not that i wanted to write about, this is something near and dear to my heart and has been more and more every day and every weekend, every time i sit in a service i cant help but to think about all of the people out there. I wonder, how much hurt is out there, how many people are just dying to be hugged to hear “i love you”. Its amazing the hurt that pours in and out of these doors weekly, and i am at just one campus of the 3. I am amazed that i am in such a place to be able to share what God has done in my life with others who need to hear it.

I was talking to jessica the other day and i just broke down and cried (i will be man enough to admit that i cry on occasion, but it is manly crying… whatever that may be) I have not been happy for a while now, my friends and family could all see it but i could never place it. I am not ministering in the capacity that i was made to. Sure, God has gifted me in the world of video and graphics, but i am still not fulfilling my calling. I was wired to minister TO people, to council people and to speak into their lives. well, i have not been doing that. Sure i make videos, do graphics and people like them, sure i may make a video that speaks into someone’s life. But, i was the happiest when i was socializing with people at cityplace and when i was speaking into people’s lives. This is the point in my life at which jessica met me, She fell in love with me because of who i was. Not too long ago she told me that i was not the man she fell in love with, that i was different that i had changed, and that she knew that the man she married was still there. Well, for the past 6 months or so i have been wrestling with this, nights where i could not fall asleep because i was rolling around trying to figure out how to pay the bills and why i wasn’t happy. Sure i have added stress from my job, but that is something we all have. I mean there are circumstances at work that are kind of ridiculous but oh well that is not for this post. But, something was bothering me, something was unsettled. i finally drew this conclusion. a while ago, i was pulled from city place and went to working just during the week. The weekend socialization was gone. Then the people in my life slowly dissipated. So, i lost that social part, now that was mainly my fault, life happens, i got too wrapped up in work and in my relationship that i let a lot of friendships slip away. I want to bring those back and i want to make more of an effort to be a better friend to people. I mean, there is no reason i should be sad. I have a beautiful wife that makes me smile every single day that i wake up, who wants to fall asleep me to every single night, who would sacrifice anything to make my day better. I have a wonderful daughter who daily is getting closer and closer to me, she runs to me calling me dad, cuddles up next to me on the couch while we watch movies, and runs to give me a hug every night before bed. Sure, i may not be able to pay my bills all the time, sure life may stink a little on the financial end, but the fire is soon to be over, i can sense it in the air, i feel a change coming, and every single day, my wife takes my hand and tells me that “It will be alright, we will make it, things will get better. ” She is my source of strength, well Jesus IS my source of strength, but she is something that God has put in my life to help me push through and keep climbing through what feels like a landslide.

so, all in all, i am pushing through things. I have finally figured out how to fix things in my life and it includes helping people, it goes back to what Andrew Oates taught me years ago when i was an intern in high-school. I need to be a flowing source of water, a Stagnant pool is not something that brings life, it is not something that you want to drink from. I need to constantly pour into myself and have people pouring into me so that I can be a fresh well of water. We need to be people who are constantly jumping into God’s word and reading books and listening to sermons so that we can pour back into people and encourage them and help share the love and hope that is found only in Jesus.  These are my thoughts on church, kind of a personal rant about my life, but it is showing you where i was and how i got to where i am. I want to thank you all for your prayers and friendships, especially my wife for standing by me through all this, i know she is with me through the good and the bad, she is with me until the end. i could not have asked for anyone better to get through life. 

Thank you and i love you all.

-Taurin